Cook and Lamb kidnapped, tortured by being forced to sit still

Caution: the following article contains graphic content.  HAHA

Phil Cook and William Lamb who had been kidnapped for a full day, sprinted onto Lee University’s campus early morning Monday, April 30, 2012.

Tiffany Keys, a representative in the admissions office, was the first to notice that Phil Cook had gone missing, 13 hours after the two WOO’s were grabbed and thrown into a large white van by Southern Adventist University.

Every Lee Day, every frontline, most sporting events, Dorm Wars host, pursuing his PhD and campus tours are just some of the ways Cook keeps himself occupied.

“We just thought they were bopping around to every possible location on campus and talking to everyone like they always do,” Keys said.  “It was only after Phil missed the opportunity to talk to yet another local family visiting campus that I became worried.”

Male students swear off women after hearing news of Singerman’s engagement

As word that the total package, flag-football ninja, extremely photogenic, always fashionable, rose among the thorns Jill Singerman had agreed to give herself for life to another man, male students across campus swore off women for a time of mourning.

Many Lee men will need counseling, as this smile was not given to them on their knee.

Senior Student Leadership Council member Neil Mitchell, who served under Singerman when she served as chair of the SLC, gathered together his fellow men in Brinsfield Row, many of whom he had never met, to form a makeshift support group.

Older male students are going through the grieving process in a natural way, Mitchell said.

Lee football team to be composed of rugby girls

Due to the  rumors circulating about Lee’s future in football, Athletic Director Larry Carpenter announced that the first generation of the possible team would be composed completely by women from Lee Women’s Rugby Football Club.

The (Lady) Flames football team plans on using their skills of lineout lifting to perform spectacular red zone plays.

In the statement, released early Tuesday morning April 24, Carpenter praised the skill and tenacity of these students.

“These girls are incredible.  I have long been trying to get them recognized on campus with hefty scholarships.  This might be just the straw needed to get these girls really known on campus,” Carpenter said.

Actual zombie infestation makes “Humans vs. Zombies” skills relevant

McClung was infected shortly after issuing accountability hours to zombies who were "acting strangely."

It finally happened.

After monopolizing countless lunch table conversation of who one’s top five survival-buddies would be, a zombie infestation has hit Lee University.

Chris Manchik, an elite strategist and prophet now referred to by all as “The General,” has been given immediate and complete control of all the university’s resources and students to battle this epidemic.

Manchik foresaw this calamity and trained an elite unit of zombie experts, Z-squad, with nerf guns and running exercises for weeks pre-infection.

Lee Day Bingo

1 in 2.58867142 x 10^32 possible game boards.

We had to do it more than once.  This time, your randomized Bingo card will have 24 of 35 possible Lee Day objects for your to find in the next two days.

Click here for your randomized Lee Day Bingo card!

Print your card, watch carefully, and make a freshmen feel loved (see below the printable game card) if you win.

The Leek authors reveal their identities

Publius Mane is Paul DeLaLuz

My name is Paul DeLaLuz, and I have written for two months under the pseudonym, Publius Mane. I feel it’s only fair to let you on why I chose to work with “the Leek.”  I’m awesome, and according to my bio: “Many of [my] students have gone on to graduate degree programs and medical schools.” Here is the problem though.  Chemicals aren’t fun. I mean, we have some funny jokes, for example:

Outside his buckyball home, one molecule overheard another molecule saying, “I’m positive that a free electron once stripped me of an electron after he lepton me. You gotta keep your ion them.”

But on the whole, I feel trapped.  I have no outlet for my creative side.  When approached by my esteemed colleagues, because I certainly didn’t originate this marvelous work of farce, I had to say yes. Anyway, I hope you have enjoyed my work.

Pelham Longfellow is Walt Mauldin

I’ve been funny for years. When I speak in chapel, my wife often asks me why I became a university administrator rather than a stand-up comic. I decided to start writing comedic satire anonymously because I think that my well-known persona on campus at times makes it difficult for people to fully appreciate my comedic genius. I love the fame that I’ve garnered for doing it secretly. That’s what she said!

Fallon Heller is Paul Conn

I have been traipsing around this campus for years to the accolades and worship of students around campus. It’s almost as if I have become a character in a story, someone so separate from them that I’m not even real. I helped start the Leek to get closer to students. I want them to see the real me without all that pomp and circumstance that formality would require of a student-president relationship. I get joy looking around at this university knowing that no one knows their leader is secretly satirizing them all. There’s more to my comedy stylings than just a moustache or a Luigi costume.

Georgia Eliot is Carolyn Dirksen

Growing up in Arizona, I had plenty of opportunities to hone my satire skills among the Hopi Indians. As Vice President of Academic Affairs, putting these skills to use seemed the best option for raising the intelligence level of the student body at large. I also feel sometimes, when speaking to students out loud, that they are listening to my voice, but not my words, for reasons I can’t quite understand. The written word allows me to communicate better.