Cleveland will be renamed cLEEveland, following a 6-2 vote of the city commissioners early Friday morning and days of intense bidding by wealthy donors. The announcement came as a surprise to no one, except Mayor Tom Rowland.
Mayor Rowland, who was unusually red-in-the-face, said tersely, “Cleveland is not for sale. First, Lee thinks it can just close Church Street and turn it into a pedestrian mall, and the next thing you know they’re renaming this whole city.”
Dr. Paul Conn, President of Lee University, said that he had been pushing for the change for a long time. “You don’t think it’s a coincidence that we keep purchasing all of the houses in the area. There was this one lady who wouldn’t sell her house to us for years, but we eventually got it. Conquering your enemy is all about land masses and territory, and I learned that strategy from reading Sun Tzu’s Art of War.”
Pedro Vazques, manager of the local Mexican eatery Tres Hermanos, said that he supported the change because he felt it would increase the number of students who come in for 75 cent Tacos and don’t tip their waitresses.
However, the move has received mixed reactions among those living in the historic district. A rally will be held tomorrow to protest the move. Dr. Coats and other historically-concerned citizens will be gathering to uphold the “rich heritage and cultural uniqueness” of Cleveland’s name.
Dr. Melton, Dean of the College of Arts and Sciences, issued a statement that the name change was “long overdue,” though it was difficult to tell if he was being sarcastic or not.
The city council chose the name cLEEveland over the name ClevelandStateCommunityCollege or Jonesland, though business tycoon Allan Jones was extremely disappointed to hear this news.
“When the city first put the naming rights up for sale, I figured it could be a big opportunity to help improve my reputation around town. I never thought someone would outbid my $100 million offer.” Jones said.
Richard DeVos is reported to have simply laughed when he heard Jones’ offer.