The Office of Financial Aid and the Office of Student Financial Services have agreed to a rare face-to-face meeting in a preliminary effort to combine each office’s knowledge of the arcane and convoluted rules regarding students’ payments.
Jan Fields, director of the Office of Student Financial Services, called the meeting after a student was hospitalized for exhaustion after running between the two offices at least 39 times.
“We have to reconcile our differences before any more innocents are caught in the crossfire,” Fields said. “Also, this is their fault.”
The two offices will be breaking a mutual 23-year policy, codified in each office’s handbook, of “never, ever speaking” to the other.
Stan Barker, director of the Office of Financial Aid, was less enthusiastic than Fields.
“They have their way of handling massive sums of students’ money; we have ours. I just don’t know that the two are compatible. Utter ignorance of one anothers’ policies has served us well up til now. Also, this is their fault.”
Fields also acknowledged the difficulties inherent in the meeting, but expressed a wish to continue with the peace process.
“Frankly, I have a hard time talking to anyone from outside the office if they’re not on the other side of a garage door, holding private conversations in a crowded hallway. But that’s something I’m willing to get over for the sake of students’ physical safety,” she said. “Also, this is their fault.”
Barker responded as well: “Students’ physical safety? I am impervious to tears and incapable of empathy. It’s part of the job of telling people what they can and can’t have according to my computer. Also, this is their fault.”
But Fields remained optimistic.
“The rules for how money can be used, including FAFSAs, Presidential Scholarships, HOPE, endowments, summer school, Global Perspectives, Technology fees, are governed by a strict numerological interpretation of Leviticus, accounting for inflation over the past 3,000 years. There’s nothing arbitrary about it. I’m sure we can come to some sort of understanding. If not, it will be their fault.”
Our reporter could only gather some preliminary research and interview material before she was found in the stairwell that smells like urine between the Offices of Financial Aid and Student Financial Services, having apparently collapsed from exhaustion.