It finally happened.
After monopolizing countless lunch table conversation of who one’s top five survival-buddies would be, a zombie infestation has hit Lee University.
Chris Manchik, an elite strategist and prophet now referred to by all as “The General,” has been given immediate and complete control of all the university’s resources and students to battle this epidemic.
Manchik foresaw this calamity and trained an elite unit of zombie experts, Z-squad, with nerf guns and running exercises for weeks pre-infection.
This group, comprised of students from the fringe of campus pre-infection, has now become the shining light of hope, in this, Lee University’s darkest hour.
“Everyone thought we were crazy!!!!,” Manchik yelled crazily to a gathering of freshmen men and women held up in the PCSU. “For years, we have been preparing for this day. I am your leader. I am your king. Listen to me and live. Disobey my orders, and I will shoot you with your new found zombie kin.”
The infection began when the water fountain next to the outdoor basketball and volleyball courts suddenly began working again. Thirsty basketball players, and the entirety of both Zeta and Sigma’s intramural volleyball teams drank the water with ravenous intensity, according to eye-witness reports of those students who had brought their own Nalgene bottles.
Other rumors indicate that students from the C.O.R.E., who rushed to help their infected peers, and three Lee Clarion staff writers, always on the scene at breaking news, were in the second batch of infestations. These reports cannot be verified.
“We think there is a brief moment, about an hour, when someone who has been infected still remains human,” said Z-squad member Rick Thomas. “This would make sense as McClung ended his press conference exactly an hour after being infected by saying, ‘We must fight on. We must be strong. We must never back… ba…. braaaaiiiiinnnnnssssss.'”
The Leek is reporting from an undisclosed location for the sake of safety. Stay strong. Please stay with the Leek as this breaking story develops.