Monthly Archives: April 2012

Cook and Lamb kidnapped, tortured by being forced to sit still

Caution: the following article contains graphic content.  HAHA

Phil Cook and William Lamb who had been kidnapped for a full day, sprinted onto Lee University’s campus early morning Monday, April 30, 2012.

Tiffany Keys, a representative in the admissions office, was the first to notice that Phil Cook had gone missing, 13 hours after the two WOO’s were grabbed and thrown into a large white van by Southern Adventist University.

Every Lee Day, every frontline, most sporting events, Dorm Wars host, pursuing his PhD and campus tours are just some of the ways Cook keeps himself occupied.

“We just thought they were bopping around to every possible location on campus and talking to everyone like they always do,” Keys said.  “It was only after Phil missed the opportunity to talk to yet another local family visiting campus that I became worried.”

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Bird enrollment declines after “Beware the Scarecrow” campaign

Before being hired by Admissions, Sam the scarecrow worked in a pumpkin patch.

Lee University’s Office of Admissions’ “Beware the Scarecrow” campaign was launched in response to an increased number of drivers parking in the Admissions parking spaces designated for guests. After nearly two months of being in effect, Gallup recently released numbers on its effectiveness.

It’s working. Sort of.

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Male students swear off women after hearing news of Singerman’s engagement

As word that the total package, flag-football ninja, extremely photogenic, always fashionable, rose among the thorns Jill Singerman had agreed to give herself for life to another man, male students across campus swore off women for a time of mourning.

Many Lee men will need counseling, as this smile was not given to them on their knee.

Senior Student Leadership Council member Neil Mitchell, who served under Singerman when she served as chair of the SLC, gathered together his fellow men in Brinsfield Row, many of whom he had never met, to form a makeshift support group.

Older male students are going through the grieving process in a natural way, Mitchell said.

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Eternal Flame to be replaced with Eternal Bubble Machine

The change is also thought to be the first in a series of pushes for a more ridiculous mascot.

In part because of the recent lack of pranks on campus facilities, Lee University Administration has voted to replace the beloved flame with a high powered bubble machine. Alpha Gamma Chi, for whom the fountain and flame are partially named were not consulted before the decision was made.

“I’m Mad!” said Chi president Jake Johnson. “This club is very old. Nobody messes with this club. When you do you get the horns.  As an alumni, I thought Conn would know that.  I guess he didn’t. I’m going to go smash stuff. I’ll be right back.”

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List Thursdays: Things Everyone Wants to See on Your Facebook

  1. A countdown of your exams and papers

    Thanks for posting: "I have 3 exams and 2 papers until I'm DONE!" We were all so interested.

  2. Screenshots of your inside-joke texts

    People are going to be LOLing right alongside you.

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Lee football team to be composed of rugby girls

Due to the  rumors circulating about Lee’s future in football, Athletic Director Larry Carpenter announced that the first generation of the possible team would be composed completely by women from Lee Women’s Rugby Football Club.

The (Lady) Flames football team plans on using their skills of lineout lifting to perform spectacular red zone plays.

In the statement, released early Tuesday morning April 24, Carpenter praised the skill and tenacity of these students.

“These girls are incredible.  I have long been trying to get them recognized on campus with hefty scholarships.  This might be just the straw needed to get these girls really known on campus,” Carpenter said.

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