Tag Archives: outrageousness

DeVos Crashes Boat in Schimmels Park, Canal Announced

Unfortunately, Mrs. DeVos' brooch collection could not be saved

While sailing up the Schimmels creek storm surge last week, University benefactor and all around great guy Richard DeVos, crashed his luxury yacht on the sidewalk by the Leonard Center. DeVos, who was to receive an honorary doctorate for his contribution to the Prosperity Gospel doctrine, was visibly shaken by the incident.

“I was trying to get to Alumni Park to meet with the president. I don’t like bothering students with loud ostentatious vehicles, and I thought my back up yacht would be a better alternative to the usual helicopter.” Said DeVos Continue reading

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SLC dissolved; campus crumbles without leadership


Dr. McClung has resorted to desperate measures to continue upholding the community covenant.

Lee’s student population quickly descended into madness early this week as word got out that the Student Leadership Council would no longer serve as the student-run arm of the campus government.

SLC was dissolved for an indefinite period when a journalist at the Cleveland Daily Banner uncovered a massive pizza distribution scandal that rocked the entire cabinet and rippled throughout the committees.

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Darwin Angry After Freshman Student Debunks Theory

Charles Darwin holds the pulverized remains of his newly-debunked theory of evolution outside of the Science and Math Complex.

Charles Darwin is reportedly furious after Cyrus Williams, a freshman pastoral ministries major, successfully debunked his theory of evolution. The event occurred in Dr. Michael Freake’s environmental science class on Thursday.

Freake had invited Darwin himself to guest lecture on evolution. Williams jumped at the opportunity to directly challenge Darwin’s theory, which allegedly threatens to undermine both the Christian faith and the public school system. Continue reading

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Pioneers for Christ buy Conestoga Wagon

Pioneers for Christ embark on "world tour" in new Conestoga wagon.

One of Lee’s oldest ministry organizations, Pioneers for Christ, just got older this week with their purchase of an antique Conestoga wagon dating from 1845. The wagon, which was purchased from an online western antique auction will be useful to the group in the near future.

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Theta to build giant pyramid for 25th anniversary legacy project

What an aerial view of campus will look like following the completion of the legacy project.

After much planning and debate, the 25th anniversary legacy project for the Greek Club known as Theta (also pronounced “Oak”) has finally been announced. Though full plans are being kept hidden, an anonymous member of the service club (also pronounced “fraternity”) was able to give us a description.

“We plan on paving over the empty space in Alumni park and building a large pyramid,” the member said.

The pyramid will be approximately 482 feet high in order to surpass the height of the Great Pyramid at Giza.

“We decided that Theta deserved the recognition that Alpha Gamma Chi, Upsilon, and the Ancient Egyptians have been getting for years,” the member continued.

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Paul Conn rushed to panic room during ‘Ask the President Chapel’ riot

During the recent Ask the President chapel, a noteworthy exception to the everyday excitement of chapel where President Conn addresses the questions and needs of students, an altercation between Conn and students quickly escalated into bedlam.

“It was all so quick, but we all were worried for the safety of those involved,” Patrick Young, a second semester Medlin resident, said shortly after the event.

Through piecing together eyewitness accounts and grainy chapel footage of the Lee University live stream on i-tunes, it appears that there was a riot toward the end of the chapel after Dr. Conn repeatedly replied “No!!!!” to seven student requests in a row.

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