Cook and Lamb kidnapped, tortured by being forced to sit still

Caution: the following article contains graphic content.  HAHA

Phil Cook and William Lamb who had been kidnapped for a full day, sprinted onto Lee University’s campus early morning Monday, April 30, 2012.

Tiffany Keys, a representative in the admissions office, was the first to notice that Phil Cook had gone missing, 13 hours after the two WOO’s were grabbed and thrown into a large white van by Southern Adventist University.

Every Lee Day, every frontline, most sporting events, Dorm Wars host, pursuing his PhD and campus tours are just some of the ways Cook keeps himself occupied.

“We just thought they were bopping around to every possible location on campus and talking to everyone like they always do,” Keys said.  “It was only after Phil missed the opportunity to talk to yet another local family visiting campus that I became worried.”

After sprinting the perimeter of campus three times, the two kidnapping victims had calmed down enough to go for a walk and talk about their experience.

“They wanted to know how Lee’s service learning program encourages campus enrollment growth,” William Lamb, the Director of the Leonard Center, said at 250 words per minute.

This photograph was taken with a shutter speed of 1/1600 of a second. This is the speed used to freeze a hummingbird's wings mid-flight.

Lamb then proceeded to give graphic details about the torture used to gather information.

“They strapped us to a chair, each in a different room, and made us sit still.  We couldn’t work or socialize or anything.  It was terrible.  I was alone with only my own thoughts,” Lamb said.

Lamb was the one that eventually broke and gave all the secrets of service learning as well as Lee’s patented and well-kept secret of “What? So what? Now what?” to the interrogators after 90 minutes in solitary and sedentary confinement.

Cook survived the torture by falling asleep, a tactic he has perfected from several commissioning and celebration services.

The A-Force, Lee University’s elite squad of troopers by night, released a stolen documentation of other tortures SAU was considering.

  • Shave Paul Conn’s mustache
  • Make Alan McClung drink out of a thermos
  • Make Carolyn Dirksen grade hundreds of freshmen level papers

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