Author Archives: Pelham Longfellow

Bird enrollment declines after “Beware the Scarecrow” campaign

Before being hired by Admissions, Sam the scarecrow worked in a pumpkin patch.

Lee University’s Office of Admissions’ “Beware the Scarecrow” campaign was launched in response to an increased number of drivers parking in the Admissions parking spaces designated for guests. After nearly two months of being in effect, Gallup recently released numbers on its effectiveness.

It’s working. Sort of.

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Endowment doubles after elderly Encore student donates piggy bank

Frederick the pig was crushed to learn he'd be donated.

Lee University’s endowment doubled in size early Wednesday morning. The event occurred when Fannie McPherson, a resident of North Cleveland Towers, donated her pink piggy bank, which she’d been saving since the Great Crash of 1929.

“Bless my stars, Pappy always told me to be careful and to not trust banks. I keep some of my money in Frederick the pig, and then I keep the rest under my mattress. Don’t print that, okay?”

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Greek Club members decry exclusivity of Honors Chapel

Tuesday’s Honors Chapel, which is designed to showcase Lee University’s academic elite, has been met with public outrage by members of Lee University’s Greek clubs. On Monday, representatives of the enraged Greek clubbers met behind closed doors with four summa cum laude students, while Jerome Hammond, Vice President for University Relations, moderated the exchange.

A delegation of Greek club members, shown above, fought for equality for all.

“When I first heard of the tension between the academic community and the Greek community, I knew I was the guy to consult. I’m VP for University Relations, so this tense relationship was clearly something where my skills could be put to good use,” said Hammond.

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Upsilon Xi’s clocktower “tired of competing”

The clock tower, Upsilon Xi’s legacy gift, is presently battling depression amidst rumors that it no longer feels useful. While it was built both to serve as a clock and a bell tower, the recent additions of the Humanities Center clock tower and the PCSU bell tower have rendered it obsolete.

“I guess you could say I’m jaded,” the clock tower said. “As my favorite writer Qoheleth says, ‘I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind.’”

The clock tower then went on at length about its grandchildren and the way

The humanities building is to the clock tower as the Industrial Revolution is to cottage industry.

things used to be.

“It saddens me to see the clock tower in such a state of mind,” Jared Tomlinson, president of Upsilon Xi. “That clock tower has done a lot for our organization over the years. Yes, it may not have the largest clock or the loudest bells, but it’s ours in some sense–and that should count for something.”

Emily Jeffards, a freshman biochemistry major, still finds the clock tower to be useful. She met Thaddeus Proctor, her fiance, underneath that clock tower as the bells rang at midnight.

“I sort of think of it like the Yenta from Fiddler on the Roof. Sure, it may be a bit antiquated and not as fancy as it once was, but at least it brought Thaddeus and I together,” Jeffards said indignantly.

When we spoke with the three-faced clock tower on the Humanities building, he was quick to offer encouraging words. Citing the fact that he only has three clock faces, the Humanities clock tower pointed out that the Upsilon Xi clock tower has a niche market among the student body population at Lee.


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Student deferred from heaven; not enough service hours

St. Peter counting service hours in his March report.

Richard DeAngelo, a senior biochemistry major with intentions of curing cancer, was recently deferred from heaven after the Leonard Center revealed that he did not have enough service hours to qualify. The decision came after an informal conversation held between St. Peter and William Lamb of the Leonard Center.

DeAngelo responded to the decision by saying, “Obviously, I’m disappointed. I didn’t realize it was salvation by works. I guess I spent too much time praying and stuff.”

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Students think air in library is “too fresh”

Students find that overall freshness of air in the Squires Library makes it impossible to focus on academics.

Students across campus agree: The air in the library is a little too fresh. This is believed to be the causal explanation for plummeting grades this semester, as fewer students are able to cope with the overall freshness in the library while studying. These students have been forced to move their academic endeavors elsewhere.

Jacqueline Ragnow, a sophomore English major, said, “I honestly have a difficult time studying, unless the humidity is at 100 percent and the air feels like a musty attic. That’s why I’ve decided to set up a makeshift study area in the attic of my apartment. I just miss the smell otherwise”

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