Author Archives: Georgia Eliot

Financial Aid, Business Office arrange face-to-face summit

The Office of Financial Aid and the Office of Student Financial Services have agreed to a rare face-to-face meeting in a preliminary effort to combine each office’s knowledge of the arcane and convoluted rules regarding students’ payments.

Jan Fields, director of the Office of Student Financial Services, called the meeting after a student was hospitalized for exhaustion after running between the two offices at least 39 times.

“We have to reconcile our differences before any more innocents are caught in the crossfire,” Fields said. “Also, this is their fault.” Continue reading

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Student refusing to take Global Perspectives final: “Tests are only a cultural norm”

Ricardo Thistlewaithe, a sophomore taking Alan Wheeler’s Global Perspectives class, has internalized his anthropology lessons a bit too well this semester.

“Higher education is a cultural value that has been rejected by many indigenous tribes, the Amish, and the subculture of fast-food workers”, Thistlewaithe reportedly said before declaring his intention to live a “culture-free existence” in a tent in the national forest.

Other students said Thistlewaithe has been especially stressed this finals

Cartwright encountered at least four Asians on her trip to China.

season, but are confused by his refusal to take that particular test.

“I did this test in eight minutes last year,” said travel guide Dora Cartwright. “I had studied for fifteen minutes before coming to class. It would’ve been ten, except I had to wade through all the typos in the book our professors wrote.”

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Vitriolic doppelgangers of “The Leek” authors hijack beloved satire blog

The usually hilarious and civic-minded authors of “The Leek” were overtaken today by alter egos with minimal understanding of satire and sarcasm, who proceeded to profane List Thursday by publishing content described as “bitter,” “not satire,” and “a complete and utter fail”.

The fiendish brutes appear to have been intoxicated by the appeal of an anonymous public platform with a wide but intelligent audience. The Leek’s real authors, who had been away on holiday, were unable to grapple “their baby” out of the hands of said Neanderthals until the damage had already been done.

Though some students Liked the article, others jumped to the defense of their alma mater with the swiftness and courage of a Jedi knight riding a benevolent dragon made of pure gold. Their fortitude and aptitude in debate ultimately dealt the final death blow to Fallon’s, Pelham’s, Publius’, and Georgia’s collective Mr. Hyde.

In the interest of “starting conversations,” Alternative Chapel-style, the four writers have chosen to allow the post to remain, since some readers felt it aired legitimate grievances. “It will serve as a reminder to every young satirist that constant vigilance is required to guard against the unfunny and the simply rude,” Heller said with a heavy heart.

Future articles by The Leek will be written by its real authors, who will continue to veil constructive criticism beneath several layers of metaphor, hyperbole, and wit.

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Decision not to replace grass with sod questioned amidst Lee Day preparations

Lee Day preparations are in full swing across campus, but one crucial traditional element is missing. Physical plant’s student workers have been busy spreading mulch, planting flowers, and driving golf carts aimlessly, but not one has been sighted digging up last year’s  grass.

“This is, quite frankly, an outrage,” said senior George Barton. “I have been taught to expect excellence at Lee University, and out-of-date grass is unacceptable.”

Lee University might be on display, but the lawns are in shameful condition.

A nearby freshman protested that the grounds looked just fine, but was quickly silenced by upperclassmen.

“You just don’t know,” one person hissed. Others started up a chant of “Good Grass Comes in Squares!”

Amidst the controversy, other groups on campus have also been gearing up for Lee Day. The A-force, Lee’s elite student tour guides, are nearing the end of 2-a-day workouts to ensure they are maximally attractive.

“My smile already hurts,” said junior Darla Jones, “but it’ll be worth it when I see those high school boys realize how much they’ve always wanted to come to Lee.”

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Elementary education majors sweep Academic Showcase

First, second, and third place in this year’s Academic Showcase went to three students in the elementary education major, securing the department’s long-held place as the most academically accomplished at Lee. First place went to June Miller for her presentation, “Finger painting as pedagogical practice: benefits and challenges”.

One of the judges, Mary McCampbell, commented,”These were absolutely the best academic presentations I’d seen in years.”

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Student Reads Entire Clarion

Peter DeSoto, a sophomore business major, admitted yesterday that he had read every word of the Clarion’s most recent issue, whose headline reads “Crisis Ready: How will Lee respond in a moment of crisis?”

Unread copies of the Clarion are all given to junior Daniel Garfield, who is trying to land a spot on the TV show "Hoarders".

“Sometimes I pick it up on my way to boring classes to do the Sudoku. A friend and I also made up a game that involves finding the most typos,” he explained.

“But then I actually looked at the headline, and I thought, how will Lee respond in a moment of crisis? And then I thought, they’re reporting on the future now?”

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