Author Archives: fallonheller

Danny Murray to return souls to Voices of Lee members

"No one with a soul would ever wear those outfits on TV"- Regina Barks, campus fashionista

Longtime director of Voices of Lee and part time spokesman for the university, Danny Murray, announced yesterday that he planned on returning a few souls to the acapella group. The everlasting souls, which are usually kept on a vial around Murray’s neck, will be returned as part of Friday’s commissioning service.

“I just though, hey, you know these seniors deserve something special,” said Murray on the recent change of heart. “I usually wait a couple of years to make sure they’re not coming back, and then we perform an exchange ritual, kid stiff really. But this time I just wanted to give these seniors something more, just in case they wanted to use it for something other than acapella singing in their prime.”

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Eternal Flame to be replaced with Eternal Bubble Machine

The change is also thought to be the first in a series of pushes for a more ridiculous mascot.

In part because of the recent lack of pranks on campus facilities, Lee University Administration has voted to replace the beloved flame with a high powered bubble machine. Alpha Gamma Chi, for whom the fountain and flame are partially named were not consulted before the decision was made.

“I’m Mad!” said Chi president Jake Johnson. “This club is very old. Nobody messes with this club. When you do you get the horns.  As an alumni, I thought Conn would know that.  I guess he didn’t. I’m going to go smash stuff. I’ll be right back.”

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Lee University enlists Sorting Hat to help determine strengths

"Now slip me snug about your ears,
I've never yet been wrong.
I'll have a look inside your mind,
And tell where you belong" -Sorting Hat

The Strengths Finder quiz, which is usually taken during freshman gateway to determine a student’s best attributes, will be replaced next semester by the Hogwarts Sorting Hat. The decision to use the Sorting Hat came after a campus wide debate on the effectiveness of the online quiz verses the merits of the ancient magical hat.

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Scott Stapp awarded honorary Masters degree in Church Music

Phil Cook went on to describe Stapp as a 'hippie longstockings'

Scott Stapp, lead singer of Creed and perhaps Lee University’s most famous former student, was awarded a Masters degree in Church Music over the Lee Day festivities. The decision to give such a prestigious award to such a controversial student was met with both general criticism and praise.

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Tall Betsy caught giving Easter candy to children

Artistic rendering of 'Easter Betsy'

Tall Betsy, usually known as Bradley County’s official Halloween goblin, was caught late Easter Eve delivering baskets of candy to local children. As she is in the habit of eating children, she is under suspicion of various attempted crimes.

“We are taking every precaution necessary,” said Police Chief Samuel Stephenson. “We have never dealt with a horrible monster before, so we’re just trying to keep her appeased and incarcerated.”

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Faculty dream team defeats Miami Heat in charity basketball tournament

LeBron James after being subjected to Danny Murray's insult comedy

The Miami Heat, who many critics consider the most talented professional basketball team, were defeated in a charity match by several athletic members of Lee’s faculty. The main team was made of Mike ‘Quicksilver’ Hayes, Chris ‘Moneybags’ Conine, Carolyn ‘Dunkin’ Dirksen, Phil ‘The Iron Curtain’ Cook, and Danny ‘Acappella’ Murray.

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