Faculty dream team defeats Miami Heat in charity basketball tournament

LeBron James after being subjected to Danny Murray's insult comedy

The Miami Heat, who many critics consider the most talented professional basketball team, were defeated in a charity match by several athletic members of Lee’s faculty. The main team was made of Mike ‘Quicksilver’ Hayes, Chris ‘Moneybags’ Conine, Carolyn ‘Dunkin’ Dirksen, Phil ‘The Iron Curtain’ Cook, and Danny ‘Acappella’ Murray.

“I wasn’t real surprised with the way the team did tonight,” said team coach Tommy Brown. “I taught them everything they needed to know. They went out there and won like they meant it. I did have to yell a lot though, something I try not to make a habit of.”

 There were some hiccups in the team’s strategy throughout the night

“At one point Chris Bosh was getting all kinds of three pointers, so I told Danny Murray to make fun of his mama,” said a spry Chris Conine. “Anyway, you know how Danny gets. After a while Bosh was benched in tears.”

The game ball went to Dr. Mike Hayes, who split 55 points 6 rebounds and 4 assists between two ten minute halves.

“They calls me Quicksilver!” said Hayes in his trademark ACDC high pitched voice. All told, he was able to dunk on LeBron James seven times.

The Heat, who have hit a slump in their NBA prospects this year, were hoping to turn things around by dominating this charity event.

“I’m just upset that we didn’t play better,” said a visibly weary LeBron James. “Next time I do one of these I’m seeing who’s on the roster first.”

He continued to state that if things keep going the way they have in Miami, he might want to “take his talents to Cleveland [TN].”

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