Student deferred from heaven; not enough service hours

St. Peter counting service hours in his March report.

Richard DeAngelo, a senior biochemistry major with intentions of curing cancer, was recently deferred from heaven after the Leonard Center revealed that he did not have enough service hours to qualify. The decision came after an informal conversation held between St. Peter and William Lamb of the Leonard Center.

DeAngelo responded to the decision by saying, “Obviously, I’m disappointed. I didn’t realize it was salvation by works. I guess I spent too much time praying and stuff.”

Maria Huddleston, president of Lee Prayer, says that DeAngelo was one of their most faithful attendees of their prayer meetings. Recounting one particular time wherein DeAngelo spent 100 hours praying at a time, Huddleston was surprised to learn that DeAngelo did not satisfy the requirements to gain eternal life.

Huddleston said, “It just seems silly that he should have to serve people. Isn’t it all about the personal relationship that he has with God? I know that Richard is a man after God’s own heart, and just because he doesn’t do service doesn’t mean he’s a bad person.”

Mrs. DeAngelo, Richard’s mother, agreed: “You know, Martin Luther made it very clear with the Reformation that faith and works are two mutually-exclusive ideas. Faith should be considered completely apart from what you do. We’re not a bunch of Pharisees.”

William Lamb, the director of the Leonard Center best known for his calm and demure demeanor, said that while he is saddened to hear that DeAngelo will be temporarily deferred from heaven, he does hope that DeAngelo will be able to satisfy heaven’s service requirement by submitting two pages of double-spaced reflection by the April 1st deadline.

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