Campus trolley responsible for high freshmen retention rates

The Lee Clarion, in the Feb. 24, 2012, edition of their publication reported the rising second semester retention rate.  However, the Leek has discovered that the Lee Clarion shockingly missed a vital reason for this growth.

Prodigy Vanessa Chase rides the trolley every day from her dorm room in Davis Hall to the music building.

Phil Cook, vice president of Enrollment for Lee University, has confirmed that “the only real reason that freshmen are staying at Lee is our dazzling public transportation system.”

Bo Franks, Lee University’s trolley driver, was confident that his service was fundamental in making Lee the collegiate home for freshmen.

“I am confident, 100 percent confident, that at least one of the 38 people who rode the trolley last year was a freshmen who chose in that moment to make Lee University his intellectual training ground,” Franks said.

According to financial reports published by the campus safety, which is “clearly the only office that should oversee public transportation at Lee University,” the school pays more for the maintenance and up-keep of the trolley than the scholarships of Kingdom Players, Voices of Lee, and A-Force combined.

One quickly scrapped idea for public transportation was allowing seniors and juniors to be carried in litters by the underclassmen.

“We are okay paying the tens of thousands of dollars for this necessary landmark of Lee,” Cook said.

The administration is looking at expansions to the public transportation systems including, a system of monorails, zip-lines, interlocking vacuum tubes, water-slides, genetically mutated carrier pigeons and moving sidewalks.

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