The Office of Residential Life announced early this morning that this year’s Dorm Wars would pit each dorm against one another in a brutal fight to the death. Each dorm will be required to send two tributes, chosen via a lottery, into the Walker Arena. Only one will emerge alive.
“We thought this would be a great way to encourage community building,” said Tracey Carlson, Director of Residential Life. “It’s also a really good chance for our RA’s to work on their crisis-management skills.”
Of the seven RA’s The Leek contacted for this article, each of them responded with a low-monotone droning of, “I support Residential Life, its goals, and the stated team-building nature of the Dorm Wars exercise.”
The champion who emerges from the arena alive will be given a full-tuition scholarship for the remainder of their time at Lee, a housing allowance, and $300 in flex bucks. Their picture will also be framed on the wall in the Walker Arena next to the twelve student athletes with GPAs above 3.5.
Given the riches and honor bestowed upon the winner, a few of the more athletic students have volunteered themselves to fight for their dorm in the arena.
Jacob Frye, a freshman who recently volunteered to fight for Medlin, stated, “I come from a small town in Ohio. My parents are butchers, and they can’t afford to pay for me to go to school. Because I got a mediocre score on the ACT, this is really my only chance to stay here at Lee.”
However, most of the lottery-selected tributes are truly scared.
Anna Miranda, a sophomore from Storms Hall and member of Lee Prayer, was clearly shaken when we spoke with her, “I…I just don’t understand why we have to do things this way. I’m a prayer warrior—not a real warrior. Besides, I don’t know how I’ll survive without a compelling love triangle.”
If the event goes too long, Residential Life has arranged for a group of muttants to attack the competitors. Half dog and half shirtless middle-school pedmall BMX kids, these muttations will ravage the competitors until a victor emerges.
The winning dorm will be awarded Quilted Northern, three-ply toilet paper and curfew passes for a week.