DeVos Crashes Boat in Schimmels Park, Canal Announced

Unfortunately, Mrs. DeVos' brooch collection could not be saved

While sailing up the Schimmels creek storm surge last week, University benefactor and all around great guy Richard DeVos, crashed his luxury yacht on the sidewalk by the Leonard Center. DeVos, who was to receive an honorary doctorate for his contribution to the Prosperity Gospel doctrine, was visibly shaken by the incident.

“I was trying to get to Alumni Park to meet with the president. I don’t like bothering students with loud ostentatious vehicles, and I thought my back up yacht would be a better alternative to the usual helicopter.” Said DeVos

The boat in question, which was a motorized J-Class named the S.S. ‘Nutrilite’, was capsized on impact. Life boats were used to help rescue the family on board as well as their  their cargo of 800 first edition copies of the Rich DeVos bestseller Ten Powerful Phrases for Positive People.

“I kept yelling these ten phrases at my boat crew during the evacuation. Its the only reason we’re still alive” said DeVos. His crew is made up of the entire Orlando Magic basketball team.

Rich DeVos chest bumps his boat crew

When asked about the Canal, Dr. Conn said that it would be the final keystone in his transformative ‘Press Toward The Mark’ project.

“This was always part of the plan” said Conn in his habitual twang. “We have been in need of a dredged canal for years, and it’s one of those things that the student body has been clamoring for. I’m only happy to oblige them.”

The canal, which will widen the creek in Schimmels Park to the width of the park itself, is in part dedicated to the memory of DeVos’ wife Helen.

“I just want people to remember me” said a spritely Helen DeVos, who will be on site at the groundbreaking of the Helen DeVos Canal for Schimmels Park Children. “These children have needed a place to sail their outriggers, catamarans, and J-Class yachts for years. I’m just so happy to be a part of the project”.

No word yet on how this canal project will affect the endemic Schimmels Park rat population.

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