Lee’s student population quickly descended into madness early this week as word got out that the Student Leadership Council would no longer serve as the student-run arm of the campus government.
SLC was dissolved for an indefinite period when a journalist at the Cleveland Daily Banner uncovered a massive pizza distribution scandal that rocked the entire cabinet and rippled throughout the committees.
“We thought it might be an interesting experiment in anarchy,” Dr. Alan McClung said in an official statement from his stronghold in the Student Life house. “Of course we never expected it to get out of hand so quickly.”
With no one to provide direction for the student body, various student groups quickly began warring for supremacy.
“I thought the only thing SLC did was hold counterfeit elections through an oligarchic system and hold Mike Hayes in suspiciously high regard,” said senior Alex Jones, “but it turns out their budget allocation power really is the only thing that keeps this campus running.”
“Without SLC, there is a gaping leadership void on campus,” junior and president of the Diversity Council Stephanie Larsen added, when asked why no one has stepped in to broker peace. “I’ve never been in Leadership Development class; I’m completely unqualified to fill their shoes.”
School administrators have been working to regain control of the student body, but have stopped short of imposing full martial law.
“We don’t want to be accused of becoming a complete dictatorship,” one administrator confided under condition of anonymity. “We thought students could conduct themselves in a reasonable manner if SLC’s power devolved upon the entire student body.”
Instead, unmoored students wandered around campus aimlessly, but the violence soon began when a fight broke out between the CORE and DZT over use of a PA system.
“There’s no resolving conflicts like these without strong peer leadership in place,” CORE member Daniel Blevins said. “From there, it was every man for himself.”
The disgraced members of the now-defunct Student Leadership Council managed to hold onto their coveted position in the top floor of the PCSU, with small concessions made to Residential Life staff who said they were “just happy to be living in community”.
“Leaving Mike Hayes was out of the question,” sophomore Anna Lutz explained. “And besides, we’ve got some real surprises for whoever attacks us, up in that fourth-floor supply closet.”