Darwin Angry After Freshman Student Debunks Theory

Charles Darwin holds the pulverized remains of his newly-debunked theory of evolution outside of the Science and Math Complex.

Charles Darwin is reportedly furious after Cyrus Williams, a freshman pastoral ministries major, successfully debunked his theory of evolution. The event occurred in Dr. Michael Freake’s environmental science class on Thursday.

Freake had invited Darwin himself to guest lecture on evolution. Williams jumped at the opportunity to directly challenge Darwin’s theory, which allegedly threatens to undermine both the Christian faith and the public school system.

Williams was quoted as saying, “If we read Genesis as an allegory, then what’s next? Was the story of the man who built his house on the rock and the man who built his house on the sand merely an allegory?”

Williams then began to tackle the issue from a scientific perspective, “If we evolved from apes, then apes shouldn’t exist today. The fact that apes do still exist proves that we didn’t evolve from them.” Evolution, Williams argues, also fails to account for why he hasn’t seen anything evolve since he’s been alive.

Spanning issues like the Second Law of Thermodynamics, structural homology, biblical hermeneutics, irreducible complexity, missing intermediate links, and the mysterious bombardier beetle, Williams eventually left Darwin whimpering in a corner, unable to even respond to the overwhelming power of his rhetoric.

“I…I was shocked,” a visibly flustered Darwin stammered after the class. “I’d never even heard of the bombardier beetle, let alone realized that it would make my otherwise airtight theory evaporate like a mist in front of my eyes. Furthermore, I hadn’t even considered that my theory was just a theory–and not fact. What a brilliant young mind to point out these shortcomings.”

The newly-disgraced Darwin, bestselling author of On the Origin of Species by Means of Natural Selection, or the Preservation of Favoured Races in the Struggle for Life, will now live the remainder of his life in academic exile on a cave in the Galapagos Islands.



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11 responses to “Darwin Angry After Freshman Student Debunks Theory

  1. Anonymous

    This is one of the most fallacious arguments I have ever heard against Darwin’s theory of Evolution. Firstly, when Williams argues that evolution is not true because of the fact that he has not seen anything evolve in his lifetime, proves absolutely nothing since Evolutionists believe that evolution has occurred over a period of 4 billion years; so, of course, one person would not observe evolution between species in a single lifetime. Secondly, the most obvious logical fallacy is that of the “Straw Man,” in which one person creates a false scenario and then attacks the outcome. This article is the perfect example of the “straw man” logical fallacy. Thirdly, when Williams says, “If we read Genesis as an allegory, then what’s next? Was the story of the man who built his house on the rock and the man who built his house on the sand merely an allegory?” I was unaware that anyone, even in Church of God circles, did not interpreted Jesus’ parable of the house on rock and sand as an allegory. It is fair enough, and understandable, to say that Genesis may not be an allegory, but almost all of Jesus’ parables were allegorical, and I think it is only fair to interpret this one as allegorical as well. I am all for arguing against evolution, but if a non-Christian or atheistic evolutionist read this article, he would laugh at how fallacious it is. If Christians are going to argue against Evolutionists, at least do it in a way that does not make other Christians look ignorant, since most people view Christians as such anyways.

    • Anonymous

      That’s all evolution is… A belief. There is no true scientific evidence to support the claim. When broken down its more of a fairy tale than anything

      • Anonymous

        There is plenty of scientific evidence that helps support the Theory of Evolution. In fact, many people would say that Creationism has even less scientific evidence than Evolutionism; and, in that case, Christianity, when it is broken down, is nothing more than a fairy tale.

        • Um, please look at the disclaimer at the bottom of the page. Then look at the article again. Then you might want to reconsider your current criticisms of the article.

          • Anonymous

            I understand that this website is not 100% serious, and the non-serious part of this article is the fact that Darwin is obviously not alive, but that still does not change the fact that this is a terrible argument.

          • That’s the point. It’s making an awful argument to show how ridiculous many anti-evolution arguments are, including those made by freshmen who think that they know everything about Evolution. You’re supposed to think, “That’s ridiculous,” because it is ridiculous.

            If anyone needs to be upset by this article, it’s Creationists, not Evolutionists.

          • Anonymous

            NO. NO THAT IS NOT IT AT ALL, MR. DEVIN-PERSON. I’ve known all along that those devil-worshippers in the science department were holding séances; it was only a matter of time before they summoned Darwin/Beelzebub himself!! And that man-of-God Cyrus Williams, that shining light in the darkness of “science,” was completely right on every point! I’ve visited several zoos in my lifetime, and I can authoritatively state that none of the monkeys that I have ever seen EVER became humans, while I was present or not. Don’t you think it would have made the news if a monkey gave birth to a human? Don’t you think that the Godless people over at CNN would have run headlines for a week about how “Darwin was right and God is dead?” And the critiques presented of this article are completely unfair. I know that Mr. Williams is a very intelligent young man from the comments he provides every day in our Pastoral Ministries classes, and I can assure you that his biblical understanding surpasses that of everyone on this feed, mine included. Even independent of that (if you would ever want to consider anything independent of the one, true God of all Heaven and Earth), he used a rhetorical strategy that is very well-regarded in the church, the slippery-slope argument, to point out how we could EVENTUALLY start to consider that well-regarded, completely accurate story of Jesus’ as a “parable,” as you so oddly coined it. All in all, I think we should count ourselves lucky that we were among the first to hear this story, because I am certain that the defeat of Darwin’s spirit will one day be told among the nations. This may even become a movie.
            And what are you guys talking about, “not 100% serious?” If ANYTHING on this site isn’t serious, then I need to know. I live in the middle of the “Rugby Nation,” as established in the wake of SLC’s dissolution, and I’ve already skipped two classes today as I stockpile for what may be a long internment. Please let one of the more trustworthy groups (Confederation of Academic Services, Dean of Students Fortress, or even Phil Cook’s New Jerusalem) that I am willing to provide information from behind enemy lines if they can promise to air-lift me out of here by the end of the week.

      • dude…you can’t just say things like that. If you’re going to contend that there’s no reason to believe something…give us a reason to believe there’s no reason to believe something! There’s no more support for your claim than the amount of support you claim evolution has. It hurts, it hurts!

      • Josiah

        Lol, someone is trolling.

  2. Anonymous

    Now that, my friend, is hilarious!

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