During the recent Ask the President chapel, a noteworthy exception to the everyday excitement of chapel where President Conn addresses the questions and needs of students, an altercation between Conn and students quickly escalated into bedlam.
“It was all so quick, but we all were worried for the safety of those involved,” Patrick Young, a second semester Medlin resident, said shortly after the event.
Through piecing together eyewitness accounts and grainy chapel footage of the Lee University live stream on i-tunes, it appears that there was a riot toward the end of the chapel after Dr. Conn repeatedly replied “No!!!!” to seven student requests in a row.
Dr. Conn, who was immediately rushed to his Conn Center Panic room (along with other high profile attendant Santa Claus) by his personal guard of Campus safety officers, said he got the idea from Newt Gingrich.
“I liked his style in the last debate performance, and I thought the students would appreciate a fresh political reference, to the usual dull din of ask the president chapel routine,” Conn said in his usual twang.
When asked about the panic room, Conn said it was built into the Green Room at the request of a former high profile chapel speaker.
“Doyle Dykes is a simple man with few requests, but only after he was granted this Panic Room-at his own expense of course-did he agree to play here.” Conn said.
Dykes was unavailable for questioning on the issue, but many attribute his mistrust of audiences to a nightmare he had. Conn also said that the panic room was the usual home of Mr. and Mrs. Santa Claus throughout the regular months of the year.
The toll this incident will have on the student body is yet to be determined. Four students who began chanting things like “Conn-flict zone,” “Conn-voluted,” and “Conn-quistador” after the fourth “No!!!!!” were kept for questioning by Campus safety.
Among faculty only a few injuries have been reported, though Jimmy Harper was admitted to Skyridge for what doctors describe as ‘emotional plagiarism’. Mike Hayes is still missing from campus and any sightings should be reported to the Office of Student Development immediately.