Majority of students transferring out of Lee cite one reason: “Too pleasant”

The campus displays its frighteningly vibrant personality.

Students leaving Lee University early overwhelmingly cite the same problem: people and things at Lee are too happy and beautiful.

There is even evidence that Lee itself is working to prune the student body. One “aesthetically under-designed” student confesses, “When I came back to my dorm, and maintenance had replaced my mirror with a Picasso, I knew someone was trying to send me a message: I was not welcome.”

The University refused to officially comment, despite rumors that they accept students into the school’s psychology and education programs based on applications consisting of only a photograph.

“For one thing, there are always flowers blooming, even in the dead of winter. It’s unnatural,” claims Vanna Davis, a disgruntled former student. Credit for the campus’ natural beauty goes to the grounds crews, who can be seen hard at work around campus, often pulling up perfectly good grass and replacing it with new sod. Their next major project includes some renovations to the Chapel.

Even continuing Lee students were willing to chime in: “Sometimes, I go to the Dining Hall when I don’t have to, just to feel degraded,” said junior Josie Norwood. Peter Drake: “If I didn’t live in Medlin, I might feel that way, too.”

The attractiveness of the student body is also detrimental to those with the explicit goal of finding a spouse at Lee (approximately 35 percent): “How am I supposed to catch a guy’s eye when all the other girls are so beautiful, too?” laments sophomore Kelsy Freeling.

In response to the complaints and falling retention rate, Residential Life is requiring students to attend sessions where they will share their expertise on how to be generally aggravating. Additionally, landscaping adjustments will be made to the library grounds, exposing the library in an attempt to put a damper on the beauty of the campus.

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